What a title for a post, right?! I know it. However, it just sums it up. My sweet baby girl finally had treatment for Lyme and Cancer catch up with her last night. I am a courtesy pucker, but I didn't puke. I just wanted to collapse next to her and cry in anguish. As I was tucking her into bed I found an empty package of twizzlers. I was so mad. She was there when the doctor let her know how sick she was, doesn't she realize how much medicine she takes, or how careful she has to be with her diet??!!! I felt so helpless, so unraveled. How can I get this precious girl to understand that sneaking candy is going to make it almost impossible for her to recover? How do I get other people to stop thinking that giving kids candy is the only way to show them love? How do I get it through my older daughter's heads that letting their little sisters buy candy is like buying them poison? How do you explain to a nine year old that all that puking was because we have been treating her diseases too hard and too fast and her little body couldn't even keep up with it? How do you not become obsessed with getting your babies better? I don't know the answer to any of these questions. We talked with her, prayed with her and went to bed. Thankfully, she slept through the night and woke up ready to embrace the day.
I just want to scream and cry and throw things and be all Forrest Gump and run this all away. Now, that would make for a great movie wouldn't it?! Instead, I think I will just sit here and write out my frustrations and see if it will help.
I spent all day today smiling. I smile. Smiling is what I do. It is how I cope with trial, pain, and suffering. I used to cry, but crying is so difficult anymore. It's almost as if there are few tears left to cry. Maybe it is because I fear if I begin crying I won't stop. Instead, I smile and it makes me choose joy, choose peace, choose life. I smile and nod and keep on going because I don't see that there is any other effective option. We had a bunch of girls over today and it was great to see my girls laugh and play. I smiled. It was like last night didn't even happen.
As I write this she is sitting in a chair eating an organic apple and as content as possible. She had a wonderful aloe, epsom salt, baking soda, peroxide, and essential oil bath with a nice salt scrub to help ease her pain in her back. She had great fun playing with all her friends today, but the end result was that she was barely moving and acting like an old lady due to the pain all that play incited. She has always had Lyme. She doesn't know that this isn't how it is suppose to be. None of her friends know how she suffers because she doesn't really get that she is suffering. Kids make fun of her because it is hard for her to find words, speak correctly, read, think, and get through a day. I had to have a talk with her today about how to deal with kids who tease her because she can't read. She is being tutored and making huge gains, but then they are lost because of that evil Lyme bacteria. Oh, how I hate Lyme's Disease!!! My hope remains that once we get this thing beaten down by improving her immune response some of her learning capabilities will be restored.
We are out of medicine already. We just bought it. I know this provision thing isn't hard for our Heavenly Father. It just boggles my mind that my insurance won't cover a dime of what we actually need to get better, but would only cover what would keep us sick. I have to keep giving this all back to God. It is too much to carry. Today has enough trouble of its own and being anxious about these details won't make one thing better. I just have to say it. I just have to say that it all hurts. It is all very difficult. It is very isolating. It is very challenging. It sucks. If it were just me that would be fine, but it isn't just me. It's my whole family. I am thankful we have each other and we are in this together. We know who stands with us and who keeps their distance. We know too much. Ha! The irony of it all.
I am a bit raw tonight. I don't often write on my blog anymore when I feel raw, but I think it is unfair to not accurately depict the roller coaster ride this truly is. I know where my hope, faith, and rest lay and I am sure of HIS support and grace to make it through, but that doesn't take away the heaviness of the battle. I need HIM most on nights like tonight when I am decompressing from all the emotions that have been bombarding me like missiles. It is on nights like tonight when I feel the strength of HIS arms wrapped tightly around me. So, with that...here is my rant for the evening, mostly for me, but if you want to read it, feel free.
I was asked if I would donate to some breast cancer organization a few weeks back. I just about lost it. I truly just about lost it. I told this lady very firmly...why don't you just give the money to the people to pay for their treatments because that would actually help. There are cures for cancer and Lyme's and many others but these organizations aren't trying to cure anyone....ugh!!! She became quite defensive and I said listen lady my daughter and I are fighting cancer right now so back off. Then, I had to apologize. I had let the bitterness of this battle take display. I then went into the health food store and gathered everything on my list and made my way to the cashier with my wad of supplements and said, "Do you give a discount for people with cancer?" and he said, "YES!". He gave me 25% off my entire purchase of supplements. To me that was real help...the kind that cures people because it gives them hope and courage to keep fighting. I am not going to run some relay or walk for the cure or give to anyone who does participate in these propaganda campaigns. Does that sound harsh and jaded? Perhaps, but seriously when you have learned as much as I have you realize the wool has been pulled over so many eyes. Not mine. This makes things complicated. I can't just think some warm fuzzy will make the world a better place when they keep spraying chemicals in our air to control weather patterns, pollute and destroy our water, our food, and do everything for the almighty buck. Jaded or just honest? I prefer the second option. Truth is hard. It always has been. It is hard to take and hard to walk. I want to see people wake up and really care by doing something that would really work. For example, stop buying fake food, stop supporting the Medical and Food complex. If people stopped buying this stuff it would change everything. Oh, what a rant I feel coming on, so I will pull on the reigns because it just gets me so fired up it is hard to recover from how awful what is happening to our world BECAUSE WE ARE PAYING PEOPLE TO DESTROY IT! This grieves me to the core of my being...truly causes me to anguish. WAKE UP!
Yesterday I looked up and saw plane after plane fly by dumping poison all over us just so it wouldn't get too warm and to hopefully protect the vested interest in the farms and orchards around here. WHAT??? Really? We can't have any government supplemented farm or orchard not produce chemical food now can we?! I just sat in my chair and cried and then went into the house and took zeolite to pull out any of the toxins I probably absorbed by spending so much time outside while they were spraying. Who flies those planes and sleeps at night? We have made this all too complicated because we are lazy. We don't want to grow our own food or do that kind of work. Our lives are so busy with so much stuff we can barely cook anymore, so we go to Cancer Centers (the many fast food chains). With so many startling facts staring us straight on why do we keep doing the same thing hoping to produce a different result? That by definition is insanity. In-san-i-ty! Our country is fat and sick and getting fatter and sicker. WAKE UP!!!!!
Here is the other rant for tonight: tolerance is not godliness. God doesn't tolerate sin. He is gracious and slow to anger, giving the sinner time to REPENT. He does not condone sin. Jesus always told everyone HE forgave to go and sin NO more. The one world religion message is "Love" (let everyone do what they want except those who believe in the bible and God) and "Tolerance" (let everyone do what they want except those who believe the bible is true and God is real) and if you don't believe the way we tell you to believe you are a hater and attacker and should be......what...killed? Why don't they just go ahead and say it? I don't agree with homosexuality. I do not agree with doing what is right in our own eyes. I do not agree with calling what God calls good evil or vice versa. Same sex marriage! Are you kidding me! Biblical prophecy is continually coming to pass and you have people who confess to follow Jesus say it is okay? The Great Falling Away is upon us. The judgement of the House of God has begun. If we barely survive..what is going to happen to those who don't belong to the House of God. Right. The bible says they perish in eternal torment forever. Sorry, but since I have tasted and seen and known that the God of the bible is in fact real and true and a rewarder of those who diligently seek HIM and a judge of those who do disobey HIS commandments...well...let's just say, I don't get how long eternity is, but an earthly pleasure can't be worth spending eternity separated from love, peace, joy, hope, faith, patience...you know...everything that God is. There isn't going to be any party in Hell. The world lies. Satan's whole goal is to steal, kill, and destroy as many human beings as he can. People embrace this. Satan masquarades as an angel of light and he is in his finest hour. WAKE UP!
America is imploding. How much longer before people realize we are no longer free or brave-we are fat, dumb, and happy and want entitlements because we are American? Seems like our fate is tied in with disobedient Israel right before they were carried into captivity to Assyria and then Judah to Babylon. The warning has gone out over and over. Are we paying any attention or are we too busy with our technology and activities? "The Harbinger"-watch it on You Tube and WAKE UP!
Diseases, Big Food, Big Pharma., Big Business, Big, Big, Big....BLAH! God gave us instructions for our good, for our benefit, for our life to be long in the land the Lord our God gave us. When we don't do things HIS way it goes bad. History has proven this for thousands of years. WE are not evolved animals. We are created beings created in the image of the Creator of the Universe. We are fearfully and wonderfully made and were asked to take care of the earth HE created and each other. What a bad job we have done. No wonder He has to fix it in the end. We are destroying it-totally missing our mark and calling.
Well, this is the culminative total of a week in the life of a woman whose one goal is to Love God with all my heart, mind, soul, strength, and to love others (with HIS real love which includes the truth of HIS word in context) as I love myself, and to be a good steward of all He has entrusted me with.
He has entrusted me to help my babies get better in a world that wants to keep them sick and dying. May God help me fight the good fight and not grow weary.
Yep, I feel better getting all of that out of my brain and in words.
If you haven't repented of your sins and asked Jesus to rescue you and place you in right relationship with a HOLY God. Please...do that. The spirit of wisdom and understanding will be given you and the more you walk in obedience to HIS instructions the more wisdom and understanding you will be given. Walk in the light as He is in the light. There is no shadow of turning with HIM. Those who hate the truth and love the darkness are perishing. Please, don't perish. You are an eternal being. Choose wisely where you will spend that eternity which we can't even grasp what that even means or looks like.
True peace is with God and man walking in right relationship based on HIS Word. In the end all that really ever mattered is that You loved God and loved people.